Realignment

It’s a curious phenomenon, when we find ourselves finding faults in others, especially faults that we’d like to “fix”, we are usually looking at faults in ourselves that need fixing. It’s true, people reflect back to us what we need to see in ourselves. Wow! What a concept!


What is even more curious is that if we recognized it and started working on our self, we would be too busy to interfere unduly in the lives of others. Then another curious thing happens. When we work on us and begin to exhibit a true change, the people around us begin to change. They can’t help it. Things that used to push our buttons, don’t push them anymore. Unconsciously, the people around us are looking for a button that is no longer there and so they are forced to make changes to meet the new situation.

What a concept, we change others by changing ourselves!

There will always be people who will try to control us, make us cry, angry, feel inferior or any number of negative emotions if we let them. They unconsciously feel that makes them superior. It doesn’t really. It just makes them more afraid. When we refuse to let ourselves succumb to these controls, the person trying to control us has to change. In my experience the change is generally an improvement, at least from my point of view. Oh, the change doesn’t happen overnight and it’s not too consistent in the beginning, but by changing yourself you are forcing the other person to learn new tricks. Interesting, change others by changing yourself; teach others, by changing yourself.

There are some who will refuse to change, to learn. They are too afraid to change their old status quo. They will probably drop out of your life. You have learned your lesson and are now moving on. They are still learning their lesson and so are stuck. Wish them well, then let them go. They have their path, you have yours.

These episodes are painful enough when it is with people who are passing through your life, but it’s much more difficult when it is someone in your life. Then we must take a harder but more compassionate look at the lessons that both they and we are learning. The lesson may be much deeper than it first appears. It may have many layers, many levels of learning to absorb. In my experience, patience is the key here, not only for the other, but for myself. In my experience, the most profound lessons are learned from the people who are in my life.

We are taught patience growing up, but it’s mostly for the other guy. We seldom practice patience with ourselves. Nor do we think often on forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings. But it’s true, in order to truly love others, understand others and forgive others, we must love, understand and forgive ourselves; one of those Cath-22s in life.

So the next time someone really ticks you off and won’t do what you want them to do, stand back. Take a breath. Relax. Then thank them for the lesson that they were trying to teach you. Then smile as you walk away while they are frowning in confusion.